i’m proud of myself. i really got over the worst heartbreak of my life this past year, and throughout all of it i remained honorable and kind and humble. and i made it alive, a year later. never again though. 

 my 3 favorite bands playing the same night in my favorite US cities while i’m at work i’m crying

 and it is true in the end, that revenge is to become what you aim to destroy.

staying home on my time off.  

 and that’s forever

 

 

 i work too much it’s starting to make me impatient and angry, like i’m regressing back into my old temper. it messes with me inside i can feel it. and i’m sober nowadays, sober all summer. and for some reason it’s worse, except for my sleep pattern and hydration and all of that good stuff.

charline resents me for it i know it. i never have time, i’m always either angry or tired. she understands but she doesn’t. she’s getting way more money than me so to her it’s not that important. to me it’s a mission, all the things i want. 

she needs more, but i need more. 

 

 watched some great films lately. huge thanks to my dear friend sofija.

 all of my ex-girlfriends have always checked on me after leaving me, months later, even years sometimes. except one.

makes you appreciate the ones who truly cared. thank you anne marion francesca scarlett juliette selma.

 i saved a bee today! 

soloist, undercover and shoegaze i’m so predictable 

 

 i've ghosted more women and canceled more dates in 6 months than ever in my life. something's changing.

light years ahead. rest in peace to the goat. 

 

 i'll be on yet another flight, moving forward taking a leap of faith still thinking about our early days and what could have been.

 

hard not to love DK

 finally moving to tokyo. time for a new beginning. shoutout to my sister felicia.

 last few months i've been buying everything i spent night shifts dreaming of and planning financially to get, one day. all of the acronym and hokas and all.. that was really what being awake at night inspired in me. now of course these affinities are nothing new, but ever since my break up with SC i sort of fell into a cycle of dark loneliness and it's only logical that i would covet the protective robes to materialize my mood.

shoutout to SC though. and rest in heaven soko.

 

 sent my mom and her bestie to copenhagen for 4 days, feels good to be a good son. mght buy her a piece of jewelry for her birthday she's such a cool mom :)

just met this incredible woman and she dropped this bomb on me. 

 

 and i realize one thing, i will write on here until i die, and forever this blog will be a tribute to bobby.

 seeing my man no_4mat next week i can't wait! copping all the merch and vinyls!

 

 i hope you read this someday, and you know that i miss you still. i still see you when i close my eyes. you’re still my safe place, wherever you are in the world. be safe. you are loved.

 another dream. this is the last place where i still feel. my mom is losing her mind so i’ll have to take care of her for the next few years, alone. watching her slowly go insane is probably gonna be my biggest heartbreak yet, though i still can’t feel anything. all i do is work 60 hours a week and fight her into functioning and taking her meds so yea i don’t have time for a gf or even friends without some distance in between. let alone dragging the sadness from P who probably doesn’t care if i’m alive or dead so yea thanks, but no thanks. 

stay away from me.

 my brain and my heart are always connected, all the time, forever.

and one day you’re just over it, and it makes me sad still, to let go of the pain and misery that kept me company for such a cold, dark year. 

 

 

 all of these dreams about P make me feel lonelier than ever. couple that with a difficult new job which really exposes me to my inability to be liked, and the fact that i let go of almost all of my friends to break obsolete and self destructive patterns and habits, and you get me right now, alone and sad like stitch in the rain.

i gave you my minutes, let them remain ours. i hope i haunt you. 

 4:38am. another dream of P. and in everyone of them i try to prove myself and fail. and wake up hurt and broken before the day starts. i really lost all my self confidence and all my mojo.

nobody’s praying for me 

going through tough times, so nostalgia hits a little harder

 

 nobody will ever have the power to hurt me anymore.

 

 another dream about P. it’s 5:30 i’m just gonna get up and make coffee cause i’m afraid to fall asleep at this point. i wish this would stop. i hate this shit.

 my neighbors’ cats

 charline 💍

 

got my tee today :) 

won’t ever waste my time again. i promise myself. 

 

 

i miss kiko

 

 had to find my own tribe and my own brothers since i’m never speaking to my biological ones. or any of my family on that side either for that matter. the trauma will die with me. 

 my bro SYN from tokyo is releasing his first EP under the berlin based label x-img records on may 16 and i couldn’t be more hyped

 never thought i would make peace with scar before ever reconnecting with P but that’s life i guess. maybe in the next one.

 

these are gonna fly under the radar again but it works for me cos i absolutely love them 

 felt so good getting a chance to speak and apologize to Scarlett last night. for all the chaos we've been through together, these dark years of my life have truly been brighter thanks to her. i never had a doubt in my mind that she really loved me, this beautiful brilliant woman. and i really had to face myself after she left, and work on my person in depth. i probably never would have if i never had lost her. really feels like a gift from the universe, i must be doing something right this year. everything i manifest comes to life and make me feel amazing and like i've moving forward. i'm falling in love with myself again, not in an egotistic way but more in a profound, attentive and patient love that helps me be better in my world, be a better friend, be more positive and optimistic while still working hard to achieve my goals. it's funny turning 40. the rewards come but the fatigue and realization of what it takes leave you humble. whatever i have coming to me, i'm extremely glad i didn't get to it 10 years ago. shit, 5 years ago. 

 

 are you still here?

 friendship like me & jax