dreaming of P always messes me up.. but dreaming of kiko is super next level heartbreaking. this is gonna be another rough day. i dreamt i was taking pictures of her while she was still a kitten, we were in a crowded area with people rushing around which made me scared she would get hurt so i was protecting her while still trying to get a cute picture to post on my blog with blink-182 lyrics as a caption:
don’t waste your time on me, you’re already the voice inside my head (i miss you)
i meet a woman named n***, ironically. she looks calm and talks soft, moves slow and has eyes that seem stuck in doubt. she has a beautiful crooked smile with dimples and would follow me wherever i go. she deserves better, she deserves not tired not ugly not scarred. she doesn't get it, i keep howling at the moon while she tries to light up a new sun for me. i start to hate her deeply, her ways her overly simple views on happiness her perfect posture like she's trying to shame me for being broken.
anyway. there’s a certain level of fatigue that just naturally brings the truth out of you. guess it’s karma balancing itself out. what do i know.
there’s an ugly fact of love i refused to face or admit, and tried to forget until recently when christine DM’d me. but reality is i have been some kind of horrible while picking up my partners, at least the past two. and i promise you i’m not saying this out of spite or revenge i wish this wasn’t true or that i kept forgetting about it. i tried to. but -and there’s absolutely no acceptable way to say this so i’ll just have to be kept accountable, but i chose to ‘settle’ with my past two partners because in order, one reminded me of nicole and the other reminded me of exteeng. distant crushes with little to no contact or awareness and maybe too little to offer, or not enough to be confident in my approach, so for lack of a prettier phrase i went for the next best thing and kept it to myself, though scrolling back through this blog it kinda sorta makes sense. this is me coming clean, and of course all of the love i felt and still feel for them is and has been a million percent real. but i guess i get what i deserve. again.
you know i respect boundaries and i'm never nosy or curious about things that don't concern me. but i can promise you no one will ever love you like i do, ever. shit two years later and i'm still looking for you like a cat looking at the door.
also you need to grow up. "no contact" is for kids. this shit is for teenagers, summer camp lovers or even worse, no contact is for someone you cheated with. we both know enough about that, right?
"no contact" is not for someone you love(d), or even someone you respect. i'm good with all of my exes, except one. it's hard not to hate you, i promise. but i don't like easy.
tough times adapting. i’ve never been good at it -then again yes i have, more like my precedent self has set the bar too high and my bigger age makes it tougher to accept i keep having to do it again. should have proven myself by now.
anyway. whatevs. i mean i guess it’s just some battles aren’t either worth fighting or can’t be won. sorry i’m being cryptic but that’s just to myself.
tokyo in two weeks like i never left. just earlier this week keigo-san and i were hanging out drinking wine, and minami’s coming next week too, just for me to meet them back there right after. i can still smell the city and picture every turn and every landmark on my way to kitasando. still i miss it and can’t wait to get double espressos from miho and yuki. plus BC but you know that’s family at this point, about to get even familier when i pull up to craft night in my rick denim suit and boguns.
mobb deep dropped during my last trip, this time it’ll be the fall-off (how fitting) that will be the soundtrack to my early mornings. ugh i can’t wait to see Lia again.
playing elzhi and skyzoo on repeat with some steve hiett and japanese jazz here and there, reminiscing about walking from P's apartment to wherever the boys were, going through the cemetary and voltaire where bobby used to live, rewinding songs that inspired me to write. my forties are gonna be a love letter to all of my memories, doing everything to give them sense and meaning while focusing on my health and my money. year of the snake, time to shed (my skin is taking it a little too literal nowadays but i always love good symbolism) old habits and grudges to magnify all the things that brought me to wanting better.
ten years ago, my biggest drug abuse era. if i hadn’t been so self destructive back then, me and lina would still be together. but the overdosing and waking up in random places lost and confused only left me with the memory of this LP playing, and emptying my pockets in my old appt. i’m sorry lilly. love you always.
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