may 30th no_4mat live in berlin! i’ve been waiting so long for this to happen man..
i love my friends man. i’m truly blessed. everytime i think i’m lost and alone the most amazing people show me love and support and believe me they could very easily not care. i’m a leo so you know i’m a drama queen but every time man. look at syn. all he has going on and he always finds time to check on me. look at sofja. this woman is incredible and the smartest person in the universe and she always shows me love. shoutout to luca too it’s been too long since i’ve seen him but the love is always the same. brian of course always. i’m going to amsterdam on the 26th to surprise him.
on the upside though, perfect time to stop drinking again. cause honestly those 3 months after i got back from japan in November felt so good. i need discipline with my work schedule anyway, so this spring/summer will be not only humble but busy and healthy. i’ll be at the supersonic though, with most of the usual motel people. have to get my indie and shoegaze fix still.
i’m still not ready to say that P breaking my heart was ultimately a good thing, but it really was the last thing to happen to make me officially decide to leave a certain scene forever. i feel i would have still dabbled into it with uncertainty otherwise, and the decision was never that clear and that easy than trying to avoid her forever. i have to let go of a lot of the absurd obligations and pressure from society to belong and exhibit, to keep my inner world safe and existing.
feels good to be out of the game, man. it’s more of a decision than an actual change but working so much leaves so little time for rest that the social bullshit naturally disappears. and it’s been a while anyway, that i have danced any of the dances if not all. so aside from a few friends who i still share my thoughts with, i love being removed and celibate. not playing the game means not giving anybody power over my life. for the better part of a year i wished P and i never broke up, or would get back together in a great romantic moment. now i can’t imagine myself with anyone anymore. it’s just not in me i can’t do it. i need ownership of everything in my existence, from my identity to my dreams and goals.
working my ass off to buy an apartment in japan within the next 10 five and spend more time there, especially after retirement. rent it while i’m here working. with the motel closing i’m gonna not only greatly reduce my drinking and going out, but save a lot of money (and avoid the stress of social pressure and small talk). of course i’ve slowed down a lot lately which has helped me shop more and travel more, so the discipline is already settling in. health is wealth.
my new job is very difficult and stressful. i need all the peace and quiet i can get outside of it. shoutout to ron and yohann for a much needed evening out.
my november and february trips to tokyo are already booked and paid for. and i want every single item from the soloist ss25 so i won’t ever give up. i’m from the jordan and kobe era i don’t give up on my goals once they’re set.
a lot of things don’t stand change. most of my friends are either unfollowing or actually resenting me for not being available and not replying or showing up. price to pay when you lock in i would imagine. nothing unexpected but it’s still interesting to observe, how much relationships are rooted in the unchanged. thank god for jax, thank god for brian. hope this doesn’t jinx it. shoutout to sofja feli catherine syn zander and erin. november will come soon enough, in the meantime i’m working all the time, and going to bed at 9:30 watching japanese romantic dramas. barricaded and soundproofed.
i'll shut up soon, i know this shit gets old and tired and boring. but what now? what's there to live that i haven't lived yet, idk. how many fucking times do i gotta go to tokyo or berlin and buy clothes and fuck women and drink and get high and get back in shape and fuck some more with new clothes. the right size this time and the right trends or some other shit just to reinvent myself cause i get sick of hating whatever i am this week.
i still dream of romance in tokyo (another one, like the spoiled child that i am). similar to that scene in wcba or the beginning of a star is born.. randomly walk into a bar (i know which one but i’m gatekeeping it) already drunk and make an impromptu connection with someone over music or movies, and spend the night out bouncing around drinking and laughing. manifesting this for this fall/winter.
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