saw brice yesterday night and had a long talk with him to try and make peace. i can’t hate the guy we’ve been through too much, but still.. i appreciate him letting me vent though.

might go to berlin next week for 4 days, tickets are cheap. i love a berlin winter, dark and cold, long walks at night playing sad songs wearing acronym and hokas. reminiscing about the times i’ve had there. might hit up anya and see what happens. 

speaking of which, in 26 days i would have had a full calendar year without sex of any kind. i like the idea. when this year ends and i get to think back.. so much happened. life’s crazy when you’re me.


 

 i hate everybody today

 thank god i’ve always cheated. losses don’t matter as much.


 

 i admit i’m the ex-boyfriend who can’t let go and is still in love. but i’ll never ever be the one who makes a scene and creates drama and comes to where she is, just to look stupid and make her new or future man looks good. i’m still the fucking king in any scenario.

 



was able to get the f/ce tactical bp at sun house, one of my favorite stores in jinnan

 i’m always here, and i’ll always be here. i’ll never judge and i’ll always forgive. you can always come back, always. there are no rules. i’m yours forever baby, whatever you decide. i’m always here. 

 


 


lovers
friends
traveling partners

i will see you again, someday.

 


 going to get a gym membership tomorrow. going to go everyday. gonna find a job working nights again so i can be at peace and save more money. gonna get sober, stop drinking and keep a good healthy diet. keep traveling and making real friends. find a nice place to live, collect books and records. have a cat named agadir. keep going to shoegaze concerts and museums, probably the only place anyone can find me at. i don’t need a girl if it’s not P, i don’t need anymore friends than the ones i have. i have no other family than my mom. so i’m forever good with myself.

 


faut qu'elles comprennent quand j'dis pas à vendre, j'suis déjà acquis. 

j'aurai voulu l'inverse, quoique.

-n.o.

et maintenant quoi? me voilà mort j'erre depuis des jours j'ai admis avoir perdu.

j'erre et même mort j'titube, sale manie qui m'a mis là, ça et un coeur fendu qui déborde quand elles me parlent plus d'après. 
d'après moi, j'suis mort depuis des mois, même depuis qu'mes moi-mêmes sont nés d'mes côtes comme d'un adam jamais sous l'ève qu'il vise même s'il soulève qui veut.

pute à amour, j'l'aurai volé si j'avais pu, juste pour le sport le sort le sortir de sa cage otage qu'il eût été d'une catin à câlins. 

j'devrais être mort, j'vis. libre ivre, j'vis même sans qu'ils le veuillent sans faire le deuil de qui j'ai été quand j'ai décidé d'rester. roméo, regarde en haut t'y verras tes faux-pas tes fautes tes faut-pas, roméo.

j'ai mis les mains, confondu toi et dieu, moi aveugle dans l'paradis. la gestation d'mes satans, l'armée d'eux et moi au milieu avec mes envies d'bonheur et mes manières de fauve, mes bombes sous la peau mes neuf vies mes dix morts.

j'sais plus c'que j'fais, païen que j'suis j'sais pas c'que j'prie.

____________


 

 impossible island/ mes marques ont la couleur de mes belles années, le bleu des nuits infinies et le bordeaux des vaisseaux rappelle les verres sans fond, le rouge baiser sur leur bord, les lumières de la ville filantes et abstraites pendant que j'me jure de jamais lâcher la main de l'enfant du fond.

dix ans déjà, onze, douze. puis depuis, juste excès et hyper ego j'ai saigné toutes les couleurs jeté mon arc au sol. monstre à dix tête, onze, douze. impossible à tuer donc juste à espérer qu'il change. 

sepia souvenirs d'urine sur les murs, fous rires pour des choses qui font plus rire personne, la salle est vide on entend la peinture pleurer les fissures se faire et les câbles pendent comme les fantômes de qui j'voulais être, douze têtes, peut-être, d'un monstre que j'ai tant aimé.

qui, elle? n'en parlons plus à voix haute seul mon clavier m'permet, et quelques pensées poussant à mes pulsions les pires enfin pas les pires mais les moins nobles de toutes, souvent rentrant tard j'rêve dans des mouchoirs d'être en elle d'y mourir de sa nuque et de mes douze têtes dedans. 

fi d'mes affaires pliées qu'elles brûlent. j'ai tout racheté en triple me suis perdu dans des rues sans nom vêtu d'mes rêves d'avant des bagues à chaque doigt, impossible de prendre sa main maintenant. 

 amour impossible


                                     à c'qui paraît

 


 i miss my queen







 


 miki chan 🥺


 forever…

 i don’t need a lot man, feels like i already have everything. i can take time and appreciate the small things now, still booking flights and live music tickets, eating better and being a good friend to my good friends. letting my hair grow back so i can look my age finally, so many grey hairs i look like robin williams. wardrobe too if you know anything. i promise you the full japanese raw denim outfit would make my ex water a whole garden. i know who i am.

 




 




 

 2026 will be 15 years of this blog, 15 years of sharing everything i go through and putting it out in the universe for anyone to observe. went from number one on google search to barely any views at all, but this is sacred to me. 











TDJ and my new favorite shoes 








 

 copped tickets for my bloody valentine in tokyo february 6! plus whirr and nothing on the 9 that’s gonna be the most shoegaze trip ever shoutout to my brother paul nguyen


 



 happy 38 to my brother alex. love this dude right there.

 i haven’t been with any woman in more than a year. last time i has sex was october 2024 in tokyo. there were two women, one was a para-relationship so we did it a few times. before that, i’ve been with two women in 3 days in berlin for my birthday. august 2024. after october 11 there was nothing. no occasion (my job at numa was extremely isolating and i didn’t go out and worked almost 7 days a week), no mojo, no sex drive at all. and the fixed idea that women were bad for me and vice versa. i’m not a good lover and i’m a horrible boyfriend. i never really learned. i’m selfish and all of my goals in life only include myself and going places and having things. so i focused on myself and my friendships, new ones, updated and in tune with who i am today. also taking better care of older relationships that are special, rather than default assocations based on partying or just teaming up at work out of shared boredom. i’m slowly phasing out all the heavy bags i’ve carried so far, some never really cared, other just kept taking advantage. i’m tired of naming names, but some newer friends are not only doing extremely well for themselves, but check up on me and text me everyday (every night really because of time zones). i tell them mom’s in the hospital or that i got a job interview and they keep throwing support and love my way in their busy day. i can’t ignore that, can’t not make decisions based on that.

 


i only see pics online of people tucking their pants into those, but nobody thought of wide shorts and long coat for some reason. well enter nady nadz watch this.

 free palestine forever 



 


 the day i ever delete everything and leave this song only, it will mean it’s time for me to go.


 







copped a pair of black collapse jeans after seeing alex trying on the faded blues at the rick tokyo store. the low crotch and made in japan 16.5oz selvedge could only win me over, plus the fit that’s perfect to wear with bogun boots. will wear my filth chains with it and we got a new look unlocked hehe


 



 





to this day probably my favorite pair, 501xx early LVC run, made in japan with sakura stitching