at work playing grazed knees and reminiscing about my paris 16 years. it’s funny how nostalgia sneaks up on you.
tokyo in two weeks to take a coffee shop tour and take notes, study the field while hanging out with the fam again. just posted a few pics from last fall on ig and had likes from zoe and hailey at the same time, couldn’t believe my eyes. sold a lot of my inventory for this trip, much more humble than the previous ones since i gotta manage my money to open my place. so back to the romanticism of my 2019 solo trips, when i didn’t know anyone outside of Syn and hardly knew my way around. now i have memories sprinkled throughout the whole city, although i’d love to go back to the essence.
gonna spend an OG paris summer after this, half humble around my neighborhood and half stupid with the dogs. then back to tyo with alex again. fuck man i’m really doing something with this life. it’s not spectacular but it’s mine. my followers have followers fuck all that other noise.
after i broke up with frankie early 2019 i spent the whole year going to every event in the sneaker/streetwear realm, along with brunches at paperboy and after hours at the motel. great year to be alive, ask zoe from the sun, but you’ll understand how this whole scene feels so obsolete to me now. obviously there’s the aging but as i scroll down i keep being suggested some of my contemporaries’ new endeavors and -my success to them, but bro at some point you should move on.
just me though. you let them tell it, i was never the wave. reality says otherwise. i’ll be at gush.
i keep thinking about the underground spots i visited in tokyo, and how they’re my version of japanese culture. everything i love lives in tokyo, from ambient to experimental techno to shoegaze to fashion. it sure doesn’t only live in tokyo, but somehow it’s better there, and let’s face it people dress better. you’d be at total feedback and see the flyest people just slow dancing with a beer in hand, than look a little closer when the lights come back on, and then boom it’s me nady hi.
i need one of those great parisian summers like we used to have back in the 2010s. orange wine outside, double knee shorts, air max 95s and foamposites. illmatic on repeat. good convo by the sunset before getting ignorant after dark. i’m getting my mojo and libido back a little so i’m praying for all the fun i can have while putting everything on hold and stop overthinking.
in the midst of rising xenophobia in japan, i started to wonder if i’d only add to the problem and relive everything i went through in my childhood coming to france. but thank god for real friends like syn who set it all straight. i do this for the tribe, we’ll always find a way.
btw i’m sorry everyone but my tokyo is way better. i mean enjoy and all, but.. yea.
this trip stays on my mind. i’ve been down bad fucked up before in my life but never have i ever felt so sad and lost. spent 5 days trying to hold my own hand in the city that knows me best (sorry tokyo), playing marathon on repeat. to this day it hurts my heart to think on how sad i was.
and i’ve been in berlin a few times since, twice by myself including one when i found my job at numa. the plan was to stay there and be forgotten forever, but life had other plans for me. as this is my last year in europe i have two berlin trips planned, one next month for my friend suhail’s garuda pop-up, and one for my birthday. to be honest, the only thing i fear relocating to the other side of the world is missing berlin. and this july 2024 trip will forever encapsulate my relationship to the city.
your voice don’t always sound like how you thought when you find it, you only get one clock it don’t stop can’t rewind it.
last playlist i made was for haruka obviously. i hope she got it if anybody got it. i’m fighting to be able to get there in may, fighting old demons telling me i’m not enough and they’ll eventually get tired of me, plus those who keep listing the stuff i could buy for the price of the trip. but that’s not even valid anymore.
it’s weird thinking my whole support system is all the way across the world. that i’m more loved and appreciated there than i ever was here, but then i really think about it, and i realize it’s just not true. i’ve been loved and prioritized here many instances i just got bored and burned bridges. i’ve hurt a lot of people just turning my back out of not wanting to participate, all the while crying about how i felt lost and couldn’t find my place. so it’s hypocritical of me to parade my tokyo friendships and bring down my years of being somewhat a part of whatever’s going on here.
same time, as of today where else would i make new friends that fast with so much in common. my old friends, no matter how i love them, there’s a disconnect that’s getting harder and harder to ignore. over there, there’s a paul who’s into fashion and shoegaze. there’s a syn, there’s a blunt. here, there’s almost nobody left to even explore anything new with. and that’s not even mentioning my dating life or love interests. but the mere perspective is enough to keep me alive.
shoutout to evy though. maybe next lifetime.
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