& the bees.
every relationship i get into is better than the previous one. i guess that's just how it goes, but how can i not look forward to it then? my last one, me & nini, even through ups and downs was the best thing i've ever experienced. her softness her courage her communication, i still smile when i think about her, even though she's playing dead and being immature. i don't care at this point i'm over her but i still cherish the memories. and she saved me from scar, which i realized the other night i've kind of always hated. i though making peace with her was healing, but healing is removing the tumor, not learning to love it. god bless though who cares.
my brother luca sent me a video of his nice new spot in yutenji, can't wait to visit him and grab coffee. in the meantime, gotta stay relevant and on my feet. motivated and clear minded so i manage all of this money sensibly. the plans haven't changed, really. the means to get there have, sort of, but there's no way i'd break my promise to myself. it was always about me. always.
last playlist i made, i made for D.
see you at the counter.
i can't even be negative, not as much as i could before. not as much as i probably need to sometimes, i wish i still had it in me to throw a tantrum and curse everybody out. but i can't, this too shall pass and other hilarious jokes.
it's too many people who love me that i can't disappoint. i could post a story about feeling down and they won't let me even form a thought. i love them so much. you know who you guys are.
i have so many live shows booked for this fall it's insane. another thing i've learned from P. i've gladly traded going out to clubs for live music and it never misses, i always end up making new friends albeit for the moment only but i'll take it, everytime. few years back i think i lost track of what paris really has to offer, and the alt rock, post rock post punk scene is really alive here. what better way to be patient until i can see debbie again, and hope she plays some old death cab for me while i'm sitting alone at the BC counter watching my cigarette burn.
planning on getting an apartment far out in the suburbs, just so i can stash my fly shit all over and spend my days off lounging and playing post rock vinyls while smoking weed.
my birthday's coming up and me inviting everyone has it looking like a vintage rap concert with more people on stage than in the crowd. there's no way gush can have all of us but fuck it. i'm glad i still have so many soldiers. fuck, man. life's good. life's great.
i have been hachiko for 27 months.
i realize now that this whole time, these two years i've spent trying to handle the 40 year old crisis, i've mostly spend time money and energy fighting (or embracing really) my own loneliness. it wasn't only P who was missing, it was anybody. i look back at old posts on this blog from these trips and these jobs i had in between, all of them were very silent and empty. the echo of my thoughts was really talking back at me saying this is it, all i have. long walks picking up packages and coming back from Numa playing these stale playlists while thinking of outfits and what to buy next, putting on a whole show to no audience at all. shoutout jeremie he was on the other side of the phone the whole time, much like an AI companion in a post apocalypse movie. maybe it was just that, and not a movie at all. that's maybe why i can handle all these long flights, i'm over trained for silence and loneliness. talking to myself and playing back songs to remind me of conversations i had with myself, whether here or in japan or in berlin, or on the road.
funny how things have a way to come back digested after years of emotional fog, and not look the same at all.
mon corps est palais pour mon âme sans soeur, grand et vide l'écho d'mes larmes niquent mon sommeil j'veille en gore-tex sur le peu qu'il me reste.
peur de rien, sauf que ça marche, mes seuls moments d'doute sont quand ça semble possible. j'ai jamais vu d'oiseau juste entendu chanter, j'fais des rondes autour du monde en fixant mes pompes.
if it's over it's fine. i mean it.
sounds more dramatic than i'm trying to be i promise, i would be okay if it was the end. what's left to do anyway? i've done it all, everything i wanted. had friends crushes girlfriends in tokyo, saw my favorite bands live there and shopped so much i'm shopped out (me!). made friends with people i never thought would even give me time of day.
berlin is closing down, will never be what it once was to me. kwia is closing, cassiopeia is closing. nobody's willing to go anymore, and my two last trips there have been cold and dark, like ruins of a better and simpler life when money wasn't everything. when life there was cheap and every last day of every trip was on a super budget and just filled with walking around and playing old podcasts. makes for the best memories.
tokyo same, i could never restore the feeling of 2012 or 2019, going by myself and getting lost, no data and wifi every coffee stop, maybe. shop for things that made me excited rather than instagram-led grail hunting. don't get me wrong i love my tokyo family with all my heart (what's left of it), but i can't help but be nostalgic for the days i would walk random routes and play lo-fi on my ipod touch, daydreaming of nicole and zoe while walking until my feet bleed.
i remember 2011 walking to the tokyo tower with bobby, thinking of my saved game on nba 2k11 playing a season with the lakers. she'd ask me what i was thinking about and i'd say "nothing, stupid home stuff". i'm just realizing now i've walked this exact route along the park to go to _is life to see yuki a bunch of times.
things change, their meaning changes. life goes on and so do we until we don't. idk man i'm getting tired. some days it's just tough to find motivation and meaning and sense into waking up and starting over again.
the EP that got me into shoegaze as a whole. amazing times, all covered in real time on that blog if you go back to 2014 and the shift between my selvedge menswear era into my darker self. playing this immediately puts me back late nights on the grey couch i had with herbal tea trying to get away from the parisian noise.
stepping away from social media for a minute, need to sort things out in my mind and my life overall. redefine priorities and stop just obeying whoever wanting me here and now. my plans are always good i just need to stick to them. plus it's just noise at some point, although i miss following debbie mostly. would it be a little vain if i only reactivated it on my birthday? little bit, right? idk.
wish me luck i'm going through some things, while still and forever wanting other things. my spirit is unbreakable no matter how much i want to cry for attention sometimes. then again i'm loved, so real ones never really worry. anyway, here i am, going through things and hoping for other things. gotta keep moving, is what i learned from lara. keep moving and manifesting, keep the energy flowing for things to fall off the big tree and for me to share with people i love. can't wait for november, but all in all, i still gotta rebuild my life here, still gotta connect and still gotta be my best self while i'm here. can't just dump it all on my tokyo friends, that's not fair to them. if i can open up a new chapter here soon, then by god i'd have proven for the millionth time i can get back up, everytime. feels good to be me, no matter what i gotta go through, long as i can still have hope.
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